It's been quite a bit of time since I've posted.

Amazingly so, life has gone by. 

I've had a boyfriend since my last post.

Incredibly too old for me I suppose.  Army guy, used to play football for OSU, very handsome. 

Our meeting was very romantic.  I was coming home from my visit to my mother's in florida.  He was going home from visiting some friends that he was deployed with in North Carolina.  I saw him in the airport gate area.  He was sprawled out accross two chairs talking on the phone.  My first thought, "what an outrageously large man, he's probably an athlete for OSU with an attitude problem".  Funny our first thoughts.  I, of course, was toting around an embarassing overly large stuffed lamb that my mother bought for me as an attempt to stop me from growing older.  Little did she know that it would get me into some bit of trouble. 

Regardless, I proceded to get on the phone and avoid eye contact with the supposed diva.  We were called to board the plane.  I ran to the bathroom beforehand to battle my infant sized bladdar, causing me to be the last on the plane.  Ironically enough, I happened to be the window seat to his aisle.  I smiled and moved towards the seat as he got up.  Clumsy as I am I smacked my head on the overhead compartment and fell into both seats.  We both laughed and he asked me about the lamb.  It jump started our conversation, which did not cease until the end of the two hour flight.  We walked out and waited for our rides together.  I was waiting for another gentleman, he for his best friend.  We exchanged names and nothing else.  No hopes for the future.  Just a friendly encounter.

Having been very unhappy with both my jobs and my living arrangement, I had been very depressed before my visit with my mother.  I returned to the dangy apartment and began to cry.  Why had nothing been working out in my life?  What was wrong with me?

After a shower and some water (because I had no money for anything else), I resolved to get my life back together however I could.  I opened my laptop to find that I had a facebook friend request.  To my surprise, it happened to be my friend from the airplane.  I accepted and he sent me a message a few days later, giving his phone number and asking to hang out.

It was all very risky in my mind.  I barely knew this guy.  So many things could go wrong, but what's the harm in texting him?  He was quite adorable, and he is a big handsome football player/army guy.  So I went out on a limb, I texted him.

We talked about my rough day and he asked if I wanted to come over as he was having a bonfire.  Agh, I thought.  Texting alright, but actually seeing him?  But I was starting anew and a decided to give it a shot.

He picked me up and drove me to his place.  We talked for hours.  I had work in the morning, but we talked nonstop.. through the night.  I got no sleep whatsoever.  Then he kissed me.

So many alarms went off.  I knew that I didn't want to kiss him, we had just met.  I felt kind of forced into.  As if I knew he really wanted me to stay, to be with him.  But when it comes down to it, I was scared.  I didn't want to.  But where was I going to go?  I didn't know where I was, or how I was going to get home.  So I stayed.  We didn't have sex thank the Lord.  But we were damn close.

Turns out the car he picked me up in was his mothers.  She needed it for work so I had to walk home.  I don't mind walking, but I didn't know where I was going so he walked me back.  We hung out again that night.  That time we did have sex.

What kind of decisions was I making?  How was this turning over a new leaf?  He had so much hope for me.  He saw so much greatness in me and in what we could apparently do together.  Yet, I never really saw it.

He was having trouble.  He was 26 years old and still working on his undergraduate.  His GI Bill didn't cover his tuition because he had missed a few deadlines.  So I, being in the Air Force, contacted my Army connections to see what I could do for him.  I got him a full ride scholarship and made it so he was nondeployable until he finished his education.

I was working hard for him and only reaping criticism of my morals and values and my opinions. 

I saw a man who was trying to appear like he was torturing himself over the faults of humanity, when he himself was victimizing humanity.  There was so much bad in the world, yet, he was going out and drinking obnoxiously (many a time having me deal with the drunken mess), having sex with strangers(that of which I am not very proud of), and tricking and manipulating innocent young women. 

For feeling unsure about our situation, we ended up dating for quite a few months.  I tried to break it off a few times, but he would cry and guilt me back in. 

We began to fight.  He called me a racist.  I called him a visionary who would never take action. 

He never stopped trying to put me down or make me feel guilty whenever I had a differing opinion or did something other than the typically good girlfriend thing to do.

When I cooked for him I was the most wonderful person in the world.  When I cooked for my brother or my friends and he wasn't invited, I was leaving him alone and being a bad girlfriend.

Finally I realized the cycle I was in.  I couldn't break it off with him like I'm sure he feels he "deserved."  Because if I did, I would still be in that relationship.  I would be guilted into taking him back, and I would continue the cycle of fighting, guilt, and awkwardness.

So I broke contact.  I stopped talking to him.  Didn't give him a reason.  I told him I never wanted an official relationship months ago.  Seeing as we weren't official, I never felt the need to officially end it.

I'm sure that he hates me.

I don't care.

As for love?  I'm not sure that I quite believe in it anymore.  I've been hurt so many times.  I feel the bruises of these past injuries everytime I meet someone new.  I'd think it wonderful if I could find somebody that I'm supposed to be with.  But I don't have my hopes up anymore.

At the football game today a guy from the band proposed to his girlfriend in front of everyone.

I cried.

I receive a phone call at two in the morning last night.

My friend is sobbing as she walks down high street, drunk as all get out.

Despite the fact that I have mono, I leave and walk her back to her dorm, calming her down the whole way back.

Could someone please explain to me why she had to inform me that everyone thinks that I'm an arrogant bitch and that I am getting fat?

Apparently, people like to hang out with me outside of the Air Force but when I'm in Air Force mode I become a bitch that thinks she's better than everyone else.  People are upset because I'm given leadership positions.

Here is my response to this nonsense.

I am given leadership positions because I can perform them efficiently and exceptionally.
What you perceive as arrogance is also called confidence.
I am not willing to sacrifice my future and goals for people I have only known for several months.
I will not change my driven personality to fit in with people who under perform.
If you have an issue deal with it, I don't even want to hear about it.
For those who are showing concern for my weight:  gee thanks.
I have freaking mono and have a ridiculously enflamed liver, if I work out everyday like I used to I could die.
You should have showed more concern that I was bed ridden for two weeks not that I gained a few pounds bitches.

If being an Air Force Officer means that I have to sacrifice my intelligence and leadership skills to fit in with gossipy assholes than maybe it's not for me.  It's time to grow up.  If you want to compete with me then compete, talking behind my back will get you no where. 

I am an avid watcher of chick flicks.

I'm beginning to think that this could be a problem.  The purpose of the chick flick is to bring a female through a whirlwind of emotions.  To take her along the ride with the main characters.  To break her heart then fix it and make her fall in love.  Fall in love with a fantasy world.  A world that typically doesn't happen or work out.  

Although Jane from 27 Dresses just so happens to reluctantly fall in love with an amazingly attractive Kevin, that doesn't mean that I or any other normal woman will indeed find my own gorgeous true love that just so happens to fall from the sky.  

No.  What I get... is not prince charming.  I get college boys that gawk at my boobs and think that talking about sex and sexual things will make me want to have sex with them.  Is it the age?  Are they all like this?  Can I find a grad student maybe?

Regardless, I want my chick flick.  I want my story and I want my romance.  I am frankly tired of settling for a date with a boy because I'm bored and Rachel Ray isn't on the food channel.  Is there no one out there that will sweep me off my feet?

Ever since we were little we've been taught that we're little princesses.  I've grown up to believe that that was a mistake to make me believe.  How cruel it is to make every little girl in the world think they were royalty and to be treated as such.  

But taking another look, I understand.  Every little girl is a princess and every woman a queen.  If not settling for something less than I know I deserve means doing homework on a weekend I don't mind.  I'll wait for my prince charming.

xoxo